Apr 14th, 2009
Caribbean Vacation, Day 1: Friday, March 20th, 2009
“Exploring Miami,”… or “Giving The Gay Beach a Fair Shake”
We woke up late, around 10 or 11, and decided to do a bit of local exploration on our only real day in Miami.
Our hotel was (and still is, presumably) located on a street called the “Miracle Mile”. It’s called that because if you don’t have a stroke upon seeing the prices in its shops, it is a “miracle”. This street has upscale bridal boutiques like Seattle has coffee shops. We did stop in a cute hipster pet accessory store that was actually pretty fun. We chatted with the clerk inside, who was really knowledgeable about dogs, but we didn’t buy anything though. My dogs have quite enough kelp and live-caught Mahi Mahi in their food, thank you very much.
Famished, we thought we might sample the local fare at a quaint little bistro called “Denny’s”. Brandy is still raving about the culinary masterwork that was her “Grand Slamwich”.
Afterward, we popped into a chocolate shop - I don’t recall the name. It was about 4 feet by 8 feet, so thankfully we were the only customers. We chose a couple of interesting truffles for consumption later, but I’ll go ahead and cut to the chase. One was advertised as some sort of hot pepper infused amalgam. So, without getting too erotic, here’s how the taste went down: First, powdered cocoa shell, followed by sweet, slightly boozy chocolate filling and the texture of puffed rice - a la a Crunch bar. A few seconds, subtle hot pepper. Then the freakin’ pop rocks start going off. Crackling in my mouth for a good minute or two. You read correctly. I wasn’t lying when I said, “interesting”.
Carnival Cruise Lines, with whom we were sailing, if I hadn’t mentioned it, allows each guest to bring aboard a single bottle of wine or other similar small volume of alcohol. As vino aboard ship can cost in upwards of $50 a bottle for even Chateau de Hobo, we thought we would take advantage of this lovely perk. But that’s not why we visited Navarro Pharmacy. We went in there for disposable waterproof cameras and body wash. But this place is a goddamn cornucopia of merchandise. Think Walgreen’s meets Family Dollar. Not only did we find our necessary sundries, but we picked up a couple of very cheap bottles of half-decent wine.
We strolled back to our hotel, intent to check out what the local beach scene. We asked the hotel concierge where we could find a good one. He instructed us to tell the cabbie “Ocean Drive and Twelfth.” Now, in Owatonna, give me the intersection of two streets, and I’ll get you there in ten minutes. I assumed something similar here. But, and come along with me here, cuz it took me a minute, too: Miami is somewhat bigger than Owatonna. I know. How much bigger, you ask? More than twice as big. I’ll wait while you catch your breath.
OK?
A one-way trip to Miami Beach took about 35 minutes and $40. We did neglect to factor in that part of the NCAA tournament was happening on that day, and that it was held in an arena down by the beach. Not a huge deal, right? Understanding I should plan to get wet, I brought about $60 cash and $100 in traveler’s cheques.
Digression: Understand this: Traveler’s cheques are not the same as cash. Probably why they are called “cheques”. The bank you purchase them from will tell you they will be accepted anywhere. This, I now understand, is bullshit. There’s something in the bank teller contract that states that they can’t tell you, “When you try to use these, people will look at you as if you have an ass growing out of your forehead.” Thatwould be the truth. I won’t go into detail, but, after managing to pay for drinks at a spot on beach with my near-unusable notes, there was a very nice cab driver named TironJoseph who gave us a $39 cab ride for $37. Thanks, Mr. Joseph. End of Digression.
Down at the beach, we grabbed a patch of sand and took in some sun, sandwiched between the lifeguard stand and the gay section of the beach. I’m not being derogatory here: it’s demarkationis two prolific rainbow flags. Look at it this way: lower risk of drowning and a noticeable lack of posturing neanderthals. Small price to pay for seeing a dudesoul-kiss another dude. Am I right? Hello?
After a quick dip and bit more sun, we decamped and took a stroll down the boardwalk to watch the kite surfers. That looks like a great freakin’ sport to me: getting pulled around on a surfboard with a giant kite strapped to my torso. I am working on starting my own chapter, but thus far it has amounted to a sport that can only be called “kite floating on a surfboard in an algae bloom.” It’ll take off someday - metaphorically speaking.
Back at the hotel, we took a dip in the pool, grabbed a shower, and went on walkabout again to find a spot for dinner. We settled on an oaky little Irish pub/restaurant. I sampled the corned beef and cabbage while Brandy enjoyed another old Irish favorite, Eggplant Parmesan. Who am I to argue? It was under “House Specialties”. Really.
We headed back to the hotel once again to get everything ready for our debarkation the next day. From our balcony, while enjoying a nondescript wine of questionable vintage, we could clearly hear the sound of band down the street royally butchering Funkytown. But the wine was decent, and we watched a beautiful sunset, so, who’s complaining?
