jeremy
Jan 29th, 2010

Dear Facebook:

I tried.  Everyone seems to love you.  I am, evidently, not everyone.  I do not care that someone I knew 10 years ago and have had no contact with since is now friends with someone I’ve never met.  I am unbelievably annoyed at purposefully obscure status updates that are supposed to, I don’t know, prompt me to admire what a unique and interesting person someone is?  If I post, unbidden: “The table shouldn’t do that,”  I should be immediately ostrasized from the people I thought were my friends.  That is natural.  If you say stupid things out of context to members of your family, they should think you mental, and consequently send you away.

I will not replace my portrait for a day with a picture of someone I know who has suffered from constipation simply because it is “Poop Awareness Week”.  Nor will I take incessant movie quizzes.  Nor will I “poke” anyone via Facebook that I wouldn’t “poke” in real life.  Nor will I respond to the song lyrics anyone posts, as if their own creativity were on display.  I used to post song lyrics, too: on my assignment notebook when I was 13.

I will continue to monitor you for the few updates that I do genuinely care about.  But I will not be updating you.  I am sorry.  I hope you understand.  You horrid, horrid creation.

Jeremy

4 Responses to “Dear Facebook:”

  1. # Jakeon 29 Jan 2010 at 7:56 pm

    I’d poke you anytime, my friend. Bless your Facebook-hating heart.

  2. # Jakeon 30 Jan 2010 at 2:58 pm

    Also, I saw this (which, in turn, is part of this) and thought of you.

  3. # Jeremy Buffington » Blog Archive » last.fm: A Soothing Salve for Your Soulon 20 Feb 2010 at 3:01 pm

    [...]  I didn’t get an iPod until they’d been out for five years.  Facebook is a huge fail for me and I have not been swept up by the Twitter zeitgeist.  This skepticism, coupled with my [...]

  4. # Lowellon 13 Apr 2010 at 7:09 am

    You, my friend, are hilarious!